I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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