I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
