i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
