you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
