This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
