a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
