you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
