I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
