let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
