I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
