Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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