These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
