I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
