sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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