Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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