OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
