I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
