You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They have beer where we have blood.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
