i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
