its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
