Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
