Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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