If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
