It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
