My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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