he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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