You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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