Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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