Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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