Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
