I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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