More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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