i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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