The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
