It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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