I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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