I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
