Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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