ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My boob is missing a layer of skin
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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