Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
