Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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