so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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