Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
