I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
