my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
