So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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