Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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