this boner is exhausting
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
