me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
