dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
