i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
