At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
