im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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